HELLO KING JAMES

By Dode Sescri

WORDS TO ELATE

Twenty First Agenda

Copyright © 2016 DODE®

Smashwords Edition

No part of this book should be redistributed without prior permission from the author, both in print, portable digital format and online.

Disclaimer

All readers are welcome to challenge the contents of this book, and should process them with their uttermost intellectual capabilities before they can assess them for reference purposes because they are largely a work of the author’s own imaginations.

The stories given as examples in this book do not represent Factual or historical events but have been used fictitiously to bring out the literal aspects of discussions and also demonstrate authors intended thoughts and ideas exemplarily. Do not take them too seriously.

This book is stacked up of numerous mini chapters the author refers to as versions. Each version stands for each idea or topic of discussion.

You will also find some non-English words, the author has used them only for the sake of enhancing description. They are not a result of typo.

Table of Contents.

Version-1-the first Jew

Version-2-Jews versus Christians

Version-3-Samaritan secrets

Version-4-Jewish justice

Version-5-Jonah’s fish

Version-6-donkey man

Version-7-more questions for King James.

Version-8-the other half of me

Version-9-white robbed

Version-10-where to look

Version-11-poor shepherd

Version-12-no preaching at home

Version-13-misery of the missionaries

Version-14-you stole my sheep

Version-15-followers want justice not repentance.

Final Clause

More of Wotes

Footnotes.

Version-1-the first Jew.

Is God a Jew? There are some rabbis in my compound who say so, and they have enough proof for it, “what is this proof then they gave you?" asked reverend Walter, "they say that Moses was a Jew and all the prophets, and so was Abraham Isaac and Jacob. And one more unshakable proof, "the messiah was born to Jewish parents. The messiah once said, “I and the father are one, so if he was Jewish then his father could be so." "Of course not,” said the Reverend, the kids now leaned forward wanting to hear more from the reverend. "The father created all nations and races alike, there is no way he can belong to a particular tribe or race, but because the messiah was born by a Jewish mother doesn’t make God the Father a Jew also."

Version-2-Jews versus Christians,

Do Jews hate Christians? Well, there are some Jews I have met who don’t believe in the Messiah, they said that the Messiah never really came, that a man had come who claimed himself to be the messiah then people were angry at his blasphemies and killed him, the real messiah hasn’t really come yet, and all Christians are deceived.," they say, is that true Reverend? "Of course not,” replied the Reverend angrily, “there are those who believe while there are those who choose to remain in unbelief, don’t try to convince them" replies the Reverend, “you will end up being converted yourselves.”

Version-3-Samaritan secrets

There is this woman that Jesus found near a well, then asked her to give him water. Why did she refuse to give Jesus a cup of water? Was it because she had five husbands? Then the lord said unto her, “Go and call your husband,” but she said she had no husband and the lord approved that she was indeed telling the truth, "in fact you have told me the truth, you have had five husbands and the one you are with now is not your husband, some are in the bush." “well, the lord didn’t reply to her exactly that way, but you know the Samaritans were unfriendly to the Jews, so seeing a Samaritan woman speak so gently to a Jewish man was kind of interesting for the apostles to watch at.” Said the reverend.

Version-4-Jewish justice.

There is this woman asked another kid. (a tiny little girl) they say was caught committing adultery and was brought to Jesus to be stoned, "what I was wondering is.. " says the kid "where was the man she was caught with, isn't adultery supposed to be between two people, and both had sinned before God’s eyes, why did they want to kill the poor girl and left the man untouched? Moses said the two adulterers must be brought before the council and if they are found guilty, both are to be stoned."

"well, the Pharisees kind of misinterpreted the scriptures" says the Reverend, they were indeed very cruel to their own people, some sins they regarded as crime to the whole community, anyone found guilty of them is to be gotten rid of immediately. Lest the whole community suffers.

Version-5-Jonah's fish

“We were told that Jonah was inside the stomach of a big fish for three days, was there any food for him? No, nothing for him, no food at all that’s why he asked god for help," added the Reverend, how big was the fish's belly? Was it like this room? Asked the kid, "was it like a big swimming pool you can dive in and swim out, or was it very small he could not breathe well?" "that I don’t know for sure", said the Reverend calmly, what we know for sure is that Jonah was inside the stomach of a big fish for three days and nights, that’s enough for now, go out and play with your friends.”

Version-6-donkey man

We are also told about this guy who was very cruel to his donkey, he used to beat it very hard, and then one day, the donkey asked him to stop. What else did the donkey say apart from stopping to beat him, did he bite him in the buttocks? Tommy told me that the donkey bit off one of his buttocks then stopped working for that man for good. I wish it could say, "I will never carry you on my back again, then throw him over into the mud."

The donkey did ask him to stop beating it, yes indeed, but it didn’t cause him any harm. As soon as it began speaking, that man saw a servant of the lord standing next to him, it is he that made the donkey speak to this enemy of the Jews.

Version-7-more questions for King James

How come goliath failed to dodge that tiny stone that was heading towards him, couldn’t he simply have ducked it, bend down a little, that of course wouldn't have broken his back, was it because he was too foolish to realise that the stone was actually going to kill him, that’s why he let it hit him, foolish giant he could have been, the bigger the ape the smaller the brain. Maybe it was because of his pride that he failed to notice this, his pride blinded him and prevented him from seeing the imminent danger that was before him.

If Isaac had known that his father was going to kill him as an offered sacrifice, wouldn’t he have run away into the wilderness? If I were him, I would not have dared hung around the home knowing that my own father is plotting to kill me.

When they circumcised the Jews, did they inject them with painkillers first before they proceeded with the cut? I hope they did so, did they have hospitals where they could treat patients who are injured by such rituals.

It is said that twelve baskets of bread and fish were left after Jesus fed five thousand men, if jimmy and I were there, I don’t think there would be any loaves of bread left in that crowd, some of us here are very good at eating fast foods.

How sweet was the fruit in the middle of the garden? Was it sweeter than the fruits in all other parts of the forest? Well, I mean garden? Was it sweeter than an apple, mango and berries?

They say that in Noah's ark there was every kind of animal, those that crawl on the ground and those that fly in the air, if predator and prey lived together in the same boat for more than forty days, didn’t they try to eat each other? How come foxes and rabbits sat side by side like people in a commuter train, yet stayed in that big box for that long without anything happening?

Version-8-the other half of me.

There are two parts of me that are always at conflict with one another, each has a distinct voice of its own, one sounds like an old friend and talks cheeky, he's encouraging me to do mischief, while the other often speaks in deep stern voice like that of a strict parent, this one wants me to be more cautious and wants me to think twice before proceeding with any kind of activity, one part wants me to lust for the things I see around me, get extremely angry with bitter revenge, the other wants me to stay composed and be contended with myself.

Who are these two voices that speak differently in me? Could it be that I am going nuts? When I stretched out my hand to grab bracelet that’s about to fall off a purse, I hear something inside me saying, "Hey wait, what do you think you are doing?" Instantly I draw back my hand in fear, when about to leave, another voice says, "come on boy, that thing was about to fall off anyway, why don’t you just grab it and simply disappear? Stop being a coward?" they would then proceed to argue with one another on and on, none stop…

How does one behave/act when there is one part that wants to do evil while there is another part of them that wants to do the exact opposite?

Version-9-white robed

I know of a minister in my neighbourhood who goes about in white robes, each day he wears a pure white three-piece suit, a white hat, white shoes and socks, even the underclothing could be also white, some fellows in the neighbourhood say that it's because he is more righteous than anyone else in that town, others say it might be because the outfit makes him feel more holier and therefore gives him more authority at every Sunday service,

Does a white outfit really make someone holier? To ask that it's also like saying this, "does old age makes people wise, when you see an old man seated on a bench with a long grey beard hanging from his face, is that enough evidence for you, especially somebody who does not know him to conclude that he is indeed very wise?" well of course not, there is nothing holy about white outfits, it depends on the conditions of the interior and not the exterior.

Version-10-Where to look

Why do we close our eyes when in prayer? Aren't we supposed to look up into the heavens or at least somewhere else?

Jack noticed Philip didn’t close his eyes when others were praying, he kept looking at us," said Jack, he went to report this to the Reverend, "Would you please tell Philip to close his eyes while we pray?" "How did you know that he didn’t shut his eyes while others did? It means that the two of you never close your eyes the way I taught you," said the Reverend angrily, he went ahead to punish the two boys for their mischief, "but, reverend he was the one staring at me," cried Philip, "I was just trying to make him stop watching him, to shut his eyes."

Back at home when the meal is ready, everyone is served, then one person says THE GRACE before everyone can begin munching their meal, while everyone else eyes is closed, Philip slowly stretches his hands across the table exchanges his plate with that of his brother then quickly folds his hands again as if in prayer, when everyone finally opens their eyes, his brother Jack notices that his meal has chicken wings instead of a juicy stake, he tries to fight back for his rightful plate, he tries to exchange the food in his plate for that of Philip’s plate. Their mother notices this confrontation and reprimands them both, “From this minute on we are not going to say the grace with our eyes closed,” she said to them.

Version-11-Poor shepherd.

Should pastors be poor? It is said that Jesus was poor, he came from a very humble background and was born in a stable, his disciples too were equally poor fishermen, when they travelled, he asked them not to take any extra pair of sandals, clothing or cash, but in my hometown, I have seen pastors who are filthy rich, is it wrong for a minister of the word to amass great amounts of wealth? When you see a minister travel in a luxury SUV as he visits believers, isn't it the equivalent of people in the past seeing Jesus traveling in an expensive golden chariot with his disciples mounted on horsebacks as they travelled from place to place preaching the good news, there is probably nothing wrong about being wealthy as it is not a sin, but I am afraid such a status might interfere with their evangelical work or simply change the way people perceive them.

Jesus once said to his disciples, "you must deny yourself everything and follow me," some of the guys I have seen are not sacrificing anything, they are taking it all and giving nothing back, what does self-denial mean? Is it to allow yourself to become dirt poor that you barely have anything to eat? Or does it have some other meaning I do not know.

Version-12-no preaching at home.

If you are planning to minister, please do not do it right at home, some people will use your newly acquired status  career against you, I once conducted a morning prayer and bible reading sessions  for my classmates for a few months, from this experience as I remember correctly, an individual would come and take my stationery without my knowledge and when I asked them to give it back, they say, "you call yourself a minister of the word, you read bible verse to others each morning and even pray earnestly for them, yet you are so selfish, you can't share with me your pen", their words stunned me, there was no way I could reply back to them correctly  and there was nothing I could do either, they practically robbed me without tying my hands, there is a day I went back home with an empty bag completely swept clean by the class marauders, when it's the pastors bag, everyone can take anything they want with no fear of repercussion or potential confrontation, I hid from my family members for weeks until when my mother's watchful eyes noticed them one day, she scolded me fiercely for  this, I was being too careless, according to her opinion, all these troubles forced me to stop my small ministerial work , I had to do it for it was proving too costly, imagine some nerdy kid would just hit you with a ball and expect you are  automatically  going to pardon him because you are the class pastor, he had no fear because he does not expect a fight back.

Many pastors and ministers of the word today I believe they are going through the exact same challenges, together with their families. Their friends and neighbours constantly put them to the test, they use their public status to take advantage of them, to manipulate them, when a minister gets into a problem word moves fast, really fast, In the news headlines the offences committed by the pastors are put above all the other offences, and written in bold ink. “It’s the pastor’s child that is causing trouble in school, it’s the pastor’s wife that is sleeping around, and the pastor is practising corruption, yada yada yada…. The list is endless.

A man was engaged in a bitter argument with a minister of the word after which he ultimately swore never to attend his services, “all right then," said the pastor, "go in peace, if you decided to discontinue your attendance to my church, I have no qualms, all you need to do is to buy yourself a copy of the scriptures, read it day and night, do everything that is written in it and you have salvation, you do not need to come to my church, you have got eyes and ears right? You can read for yourself, you don’t need anyone help you study, that was to be my job, to help you learn the scriptures, but since you claim you can do everything for yourself and have professed your hatred for me, please don’t turn it into a hatred for the scriptures, I will get out of your way if you wish it so."

If people have decided to speak so condemningly of the God's chosen, they pay attention to what they do rather to what they say, then it's only when the lord himself comes to preach to them are they going to listen.

Once a hardworking student form a humble background got a scholarship to study in a foreign country, five years later he returned home to his family who had him welcomed warmly, they prepare a great banquet for him, when he delivered the news to his parents that he was going into evangelical work from now on, his parents were greatly annoyed, their joyous celebration quickly turned into a sad ceremony, his brothers and sisters too did not take it lightly, "you have more serious and emergent matters you need to attend to," his parents said to him, "how could we have worked so hard all these years, believing that one day in the future you are going to hold the pillar for your siblings, instead of coming back with enough money to sustain us and get us out of this miserable poverty, you are returning with more scriptural books of which you left tons of them here, please clear your mind, try to think more reasonably," they insisted.

No matter what his parents said, they boys mind was already made up, there is nothing they could have said that that might change him.

Some years later, he was back at home and on the streets doing his evangelical work, some of his father's friends and relatives saw him and came home with these statements.

"Since when did your son become a minister of the word? When we heard that he was travelling abroad for further studies, we thought that he was going to bring us lots of expensive gifts, money and presents, not this white cloak, we have a thousand pastors in our small dwelling alone, too many for such a small town, their megaphones make so much noise day and night we hardly sleep, we though he was going to be among the few people who were to bring growth and development to our village, now he has return with a white cloak, we are heartbroken!

Nearly everyone here has become a minister, if everyone has decided to become a shepherd who therefore can be the sheep?"

Version-13-misery of the missionaries.

The work of the missionaries in the Coast of good hope, was often overshadowed by  the work of the slave traders, people perceived them as potential foreign enemies who had come to bring suffering to their people and take away their land, the villagers saw strange looking people come take away their relatives, the ones you loved the most and greatly depended upon, then after they are gone, another group comes in and starts preaching to you, the same  people, "how do you expect us to listen to them?" they ask one another, with such negative experiences in the past that emerged from slave trade, missionary work was equally opposed exactly the same way colonialism was.

When they saw slave traders come to take away their relatives, families and friends away, they instantly perceived all white men as evil raiders of humans so they opposed every other white man that landed on their beaches including the Christian missionaries who came to preach the good news, they fought them endlessly.

Missionaries endured great hardship many of which no ordinary believer would bear, they battered harsh climatic conditions and lived from hand to mouth, if though want to be a missionary then you should think twice.

Version-14-you stole my sheep

A preacher found himself as a mediator between two other preachers who were fighting over congregation, one claimed that he was being ill spoken to in front of his congregation by the other pastor, while the other claimed that his followers had been stolen from his church by the newcomer, “it’s after you have pitched your tent near my church that I started losing followers, slowly you pulled them out into your makeshift camp and left me with nothing but only a handful," this infuriated the preacher and had to reprimand both of them, he was disappointed by the fact that the two self-proclaimed ministers of the word had deviated away from the principal focus which is to deliver good news to all, "had you known that you served the same master who is Christ then you won't be disappointed about losing some of your sheep to another shepherded, but since you served your own selfish interest, you are bound to quarrel and even fight with one another over petty issues," he rebuked them both.

Version-15-followers want justice not repentance.

Once a known burglar went to a preacher to seek for redemption, he found the preacher in front of the congregation, and was conducting his usual Sunday service, everyone in the building including the minister himself was shocked to see him approach the pulpit, while everyone was seated and was listening to the sermon, he walked slowly to the front where the minister was standing, this attracted everyone's attention, his chair looked shaggy and his clothes were tattered, poor and dirty, he appeared as if he had been sleeping in a stable the previous night, his hands and hind limbs appeared shaky, he struggled to stand upright and said these words to the preacher, "sire if you may wish please baptise me now, I need you to place your hands upon me so that I may be healed."

Such words took everyone by surprise, at atmosphere of mixed feelings of fear and excitement began to linger around, you started hearing  murmurs among the congregation, others were eager to see the fellow get baptised while others saw it as a risky affair, in the midst of confusion, an usher rose and said these words to the minister, "please be careful sire, this guy you are condoning in front of us here as you may not be aware is a known criminal, a burglar and a murderer as well, the police are looking all over the place for him, they might already be here by now, please let him sort out his issues with the authorities first before he can come to you, he might put you in great trouble, your own security and that of the congregation is at great risk, please understand,"

The minister raised his head once more and asked the usher to remain silent, he then said this to the fugitive, "please stay seated, let me finish my sermon first then I will attend to you later," he took the first bench that was almost empty, there he remained silently till when the sermon was over,

When the service ended later late in the afternoon, the minister walked the visitor outside the church down the pavements toward a nearby stream, "we have no water in the church today", but some of his church goers didn’t like this idea they insisted that the preacher let the thug go his way, "are you sure you want to be associated with this man?" they asked him, never before has the baptism of one man ever brought such controversy to this small community, many people thought something bad is going to happen to them if the preacher accepts this request, they followed them down to the river and watched the guy carefully, they had speculated that he planned to drown the preacher down the river and walk away, but when they got to witness the transformation themselves they were satisfied, they bid the poor guy farewell and let him move on his journey. Just as he came so did he go, he disappeared into the horizon and was never seen or heard from again, no one wanted to talk about him after this, no one wanted to call the police.

In later sermons the minister asked his congregation why they had acted so strangely. "Why were you betraying the cross?" he asked them, "when you all came to be to be baptised, I did not ask details of your backgrounds, do you certainly think that your transgressions are lesser than his, that I should refuse to give him his right of passage?"

They did not answer.

END OF VERSIONS.

##

Final Clause

We have come to the end of our conversation, looking forward to connecting to you soon. We shall have more to discuss.

Please leave your thoughts & queries about this text in the comments section, if you have something that needs further elaboration or have got some burning question, you can always text me and I shall be more than happy to respond appropriately.

Write to me,

DodeSescri@gmail.com

*NB

Make sure you have the latest version of this text; you should check for newer versions at your favourite stores in order to get instant access to free content updates.

Thank you for your time.

More of WOTEs…

A Full list of other titles in the sequel.

WORDS TO ELATE.

- Where is my inkpot?

- Media Moner

- The Laments of a Lumberjack

- Mundi Politica

- So you still do that?

- Hand me that take this

- A world of fakes

- Show me some lab ethos

- Flying above five feet

- Techno Chimps

- Dazzling riches

- Your highness let me speak!

- Mechanical revolts

- My mirror is a liar

- The beauty of Languages

- Darwin and the apes

- Tell me something funny

- Sweep thy planet

- Savage amusements

- Hello King James

- Be Patient please

- My Adventures to great unknown

- Can you colour a rainbow?

- A deer's diet

- Speed bones

- The Roman Cultures of today

Footnotes.

My most used/favourite stylistic features

- Sharp contrast

- Heavy metaphor

- Extravagant exaggeration.

The reference to masculine characters In the above stories is not a biased motive to discriminate against any gender, it's just for the purposes of description, the authors repeated use of words such as he/him/man/king are just for the purposes of enchanting the narrative, if you feel offended by them then  feel free to replace them with whatever words you choose as you read along, these pronouns are NOT put in place to intimidate, you can also contact the author directly and specify which part should changes be made to and to what particular effect, the author respects all readers and will not misrepresent members of any class, age, status or gender. All readers are precious.

I am trying to avoid the inconvenience of having to jump from one side of the group to another as it easily puts the readers off, jumping from side to side, back and forth, here and there is really irritating, take for instance it's better to say, "the king came out of his castle, called the knights and asked him to take him out on a ride through the royal forests and left his son in charge of the castle,"  than to say, "the king/queen came out of his/her castle, called the knight/knightess and asked  him/her to take him/her out on a ride through the royal forest and left his/her son/daughter in charge of the castle"

Textual homogeneity- some aspects of the words, phrases and stories share lots of similarities with one another, the keen reader who repeatedly crosscheck between different tittles will definitely notice this trend, if characters are portrayed in such a sluggish manner that makes the text boring to the reader, then reader please remember to inform the author as soon as possible.

Cover image: Modern day children having a look at the Castle of King James (I) of England, theme by the Author

Table of Contents

Version-1-the first Jew

Version-2-Jews versus Christians

Version-3-Samaritan secrets

Version-4-Jewish justice

Version-5-Jonah’s fish

Version-6-donkey man

Version-7-more questions for King James.

Version-8-the other half of me

Version-9-white robbed

Version-10-where to look

Version-11-poor shepherd

Version-12-no preaching at home

Version-13-misery of the missionaries

Version-14-you stole my sheep

Version-15-followers want justice not repentance.

Final Clause

More of Wotes

Footnotes.